Category: Let's talk
Hi all!
I have a topic that I'm a bit concerned about and I'm not sure if my thinking is off..basically, you can feel free to tell me "you're being a selfish cynical uncaring jerk!" I won't be mad lol..XD
I have a person in my life who I'm sortive close with (although, not as much as I used to be..)
They're always saying how bad there life is..how stuff just isn't wirth it anymore..for example, I can ask a simple question of, "how are you?" and they will say something like, "Oh, I'm feeling so horrible I want to kill myself I'm surprised I'm still around things just get harder everyday..." etc..etc..
This person has been saying the same song and dance for years...they claim to be getting help with counseling and meds however they say it isn't working.
The thing is, is that I get the feeling they're doing this for attention. I mean come on, if your life sucks so bad then why would you even try getting help if you think everything is crap? Obviously, the help you are getting isn't working or it is my friend's attitude..
You see, for years I've struggled with depression. I wanted to kill myself although I never attempted it. I clung to the hope that things will get better it can just take some time.(believe me, it was really difficult to do sometimes! I still have ups and downs however it's been stable for months wich I'm so happy and thankful!)
I am now taking medication (wich for years I was in denial that I even needed it..), I'm in counseling (wich has shown me coping skills and how to deal with the stresses of everyday life..) and I'm trying to use things that I'm learning in order to better myself. I've also become a believer in christ wich has helped me beyond words! However, I do realize that finding the Lord isn't for everyone we all have free will and choices to believe or not.
In short, I know and completely understand the mental pain and hopelessness that my friend is feeling.
I try to give advice however it doesn't seem that they are listening..like it's going in 1 ear and out the other.
I do kinda feel like a jerk, cause I know how it is when you really need someone to talk and vent to..
Any thoughts on what to do? I want to be a good friend..to help but I don't know what to do.
I actually used to know someone who would cut and burn herself for strictly attention seeking. She even told me that she started and spread a rumor about herself claiming to be a lesbian. I mean, come on why would people do that? She got made fun of for the lesbian rumor that she started when we were in high school..I remember telling her, "I don't care if you're gay or straight.."
The reason I know that she cut herself and whatnot for attention is because she told me when I expressed shock and concern about her behavior. "I just do it cause it's fun, I like pain," is what she said and she'd also throw in sometimes about the stress factor.
For example, she was working at a resturant and she took a fryer basket (it's a metal basket that you put in to fryers so it's hot and basically covered in 400 temp oil..), according to her she was really stressed out at work and she saw a coworker playing with the baskit and when it was her turn she took the baskit out of the fryer and said to the coworker, "Watch this look what I can do?" and she used the metal to burn a cross in her arm.
Wow, I just realized how long this is..any thoughts? i did look on the page I didn't see a topic like this..I am sorry if anything I've said here is afensive.
Mental disease is real..I've struggled with it so has a lot of my family members.
Hahahah. I do get what you're mentioning about.
I actually use to say "I'm bored and how are you?". If the person is a good friend of mine, I add one more. as I'm lonely and bored. that's it.
I do have many things in mind and also not an happiest man in this world. But I never say such things while someone is greeting me.
If someone says that he or she is planning or thinking of suicide, I honestly feel either it's another way of seeking attention or he or she is wanting sympathy. even if that's the intension, mostly they won't say that loud, in my opinion.
Raaj
As for the first person you talked about, she's probably just looking for someone to talk to. I've done that a lot myself, and pushed people away because of it. It's not fun to think you're venting, only to realize you're doing it too much, and then one day that person who's been empathetic, caring and supportive of you shows their true colors, tells you that all they want is a normal life and that they're only human and so there's only so much of a person's shit they can take. That's basically what my ex-boyfriend said to me. This has been just recently too so I'm sorry if I'm coming off as whiny and immature but that was the feeling this topic stirred up in me. He basically has a lot of problems himself which is why it doesn't make sense, it was so hypocritical of him to hate me when he's done the exact same things to me and I never complained ONCE.
Anyway, while I understand that enough is enough, some people put their trust in someone and so they think they can talk to you about their problems because you've shown sympathy and understanding in the past. I definitely don't think you're heartless or cold or anything, but don't do what this guy did to me. If you honestly want her to respect you, put some distance between the two of you when she gets to be too much. She might resent you for that, but odds are she'll find someone else to talk to, or she will realize that you can't be there 24/7. Speaking for myself, all I wanted was that respect. People say being indirect is cruel...I disagree in a situation like this. And, if she's truly only seeking attention, you'll know in time too.
As for the second person, it's obvious she was trying to make people notice her. While many people do cut and burn themselves in this day and age, most of those people keep it behind closed doors, and would be mortified if anyone found out. The fact she was shoving it in people's faces says quite a bit about the shallowness of her character, and that some people will do anything for attention. People like that should be ignored, because they might get the hint, or they might not, but either way it's not your problem.
Ever since I was about 6 years old or so, my mother has threatened to put a gun to her head and blow her brains out if I didn't do what she wanted me to do. Of course, when I was a kid, it scared me to death. After years of hearing it though, I finally told her to hang on and that I would bring her the gun. She hasn't done it since. I've seen this mentality displayed here in public quicknotes as well. The whole, "It gets harder and harder every day... It's not worth it anymore... I'm really going to do it this time..." After a while, it gets old. I can understand venting to a close friend, but when someone's broadcasting it all over, to anyone who will listen, I think it's probably more for attention than anything else.
I concur with what has been said.
Another way you'll know it's a ploy for attention is if whenever they hear of someone with a problem, they have to say how theirs is worse.
And yeah, I totally understand where you're coming from. You get to feeling like a urinal after awhile if you're not careful.
I'd put distance between you and them for your own sanity.
suffering from depression and anxiety myself, i'd say take it seriously.
it's okay saying it's for attention.. they arn't being serious- but my argument is if they actually do go ahead and do something, then you'll be the 1 that did not help them. i'm not sure... try and challenge them. like ask what happened in councerling and what meds are you taking- and if they can't anser, you know it's for attention
I can see that point, and it does have some validity, but ultimately, we're responsible for ourselves. I don't buy the whole line about how we should all cary undeserved guilt around. Some of these folks would love it if they committed suicide and left a bunch of people feeling bad, but really, even if they did, will it really help the person who died? I'm all about listening to a close friend and even doing what I can to help them, but in the case of my mother... Do you think I should have just let her have her way every time she threatened to pull the trigger? I mean, if I didn't, and she killed herself, by your logic, I would forever have to blame myself because she told me not to move to a new town to get a job and I did it anyway, and that's what caused her death. Nope. Sorry. I just don't think anyone should have to be miserable so that someone else might be happy.
I agree completely. As a friend, you should help them get on the path to recovery; not babysit them. I would always give them the benefit of the doubt at first, but if your advice and support doesn't seem to be helping, and they're always seeking more, there's a point when you have to draw that line and say Enough is enough! I don't think the original poster or anyone else here who has agreed is selfish in the least. Looking out for what's best for you is different than being selfish.
I agree with Anthony and Jessica here. in fact, I'll take it a step further by saying I/others can't help those unwilling to help themselves.
as Anthony also said, each individual is only responsible for him or herself. I don't like, nor need the added pressure of being a "life saver" for someone. that isn't my responsibility.
Yeah, I totally agree with a lot of what has been said here..I do agree they should listen to whoever is complaining..but when it keeps going and going it's really stressful and annoying to put it bluntly.
Anthony, I totally agree with you when it comes to your mom! I think you did the right thing..
If you're annoyed, don't put up with it. You don't have to. if someone threatens suicide because of it, that's their perogative. Honestly, if someone really wants to commit suicide, nobody's going to be able to stop them.
A few things here.
First, I believe it was Anthony who suggested putting some distance between yourself and this person, and I agree. Wanting to help a friend is good, but when they start to drag you down, distance can also be a good thing.
Second, sometimes attention seeking behavior can be part of whatever mental illness a person is dealing with. I'm not excusing it, or saying it's right to do. But perhaps it's a symptom all its own? There's nothing you can do about that part, but it's just something that crossed my mind.
Third, Ocean is right. People who truly want to commit suicide will do it, and there's no stopping them. Also, as a general rule, people who really want to go through with it won't tell others about it. You tell someone because you want to be stopped. Or, in some cases, because you want attention. I too, have seen that kind of writing here in public QN's. I know that we are to take all suicide threats seriously, but when people do shit like that, it makes me want to do like Anthony, and tell them to get it over with already if they're going to. Threatening to kill oneself is the worst kind of manipulation possible.
You should not carry around guilt for not helping your friend, no matter what happens. You have clearly tried to help, and she clearly is not accepting it. You can't help someone when they don't wish to be helped. You do what you can, and then it's up to that other person. So, Time Keeper, I respectfully disagree with you in this particular instance.
Damn, Anthony! Your mother sounds like an uber bitch. That is just fucked up.
But yes, I agree with most of the sentiments expressed here. There's only so much negativity one person can take. If they are doing it for attention, you'll find out soon enough.
I say have her committed. Put her in a clinic for those that have attempted suicide, garrantee she'll think twice before using that to get attention. I've seen those places, and they scared the hell out of me.
Ultimately nobody should have to carry the burden of someone else's issues. If you don't feel able to deal with that level of needyness then back away from it.
I do however agree with Alicia that often that level of attention-seeking is part of the issue and is often a cry for help, and that if it's part of a personality disorder then it can be a trate of that disorder. It doesn't necessarily excuse the behaviour but it does go a considerable way towards explaining it.
But dan wrote: " i'm not sure... try and challenge them. like ask what happened in councerling and what meds are you taking- and if they can't anser,
you know it's for attention". The thing though is that we none of us are qualified to make that call. You can know more "know" that it's just attention-seeking if they can tell you the name of their medication (assuming they're taking medication, they could have stopped taking it/as yet be undiagnosed/be going through a psychotic episode) and the outcome of their counselling sessions than if they can't. Mental illness is such a diverse spectrum that it is often impossible to make those judgements, and if you don't have the right knowledge, is possible to do more harm than good with our attempts to help.
You also said " but my argument is if they actually do go ahead and do something, then you'll be the 1
that did not help them." But again, I am not qualified to help someone to not kill themselves. The only "help" you can realistically give someone talking about suicide is to urge them to seek help from a professional. And the reality is that I could perhaps talk someone down from killing themselves today, then tomorrow I might not be there and they might go ahead and kill themselves anyway. Would I then be left with the guilt that I wasn't there? Wasn't able to help? There's every chance that a compassionate person would, and would in some way feel responsible because the last time, they were able to stop it, this time, they weren't there, so it happened, maybe because they weren't there. The potential for guilt is just too far-reaching, which is why ultimately, people can only be responsible for themselves.
Wow, sugarbaby I agree with you spot on!!! I couldn't have said it better myself..:)
I know what you mean about me taking responceibility for this person's actions and the truth is that we all have control over our own actions. i'm just through with listening to this person's consistant threats and other stuff they do.
Like I said above, I have my own issues I'm dealing with and I frankly can't deal with there's as well. I will listen to a point cause I do believe that we have to help each other, "carry some of the load," but we can't take it all..we can't take all of the load. Especially when I get the feeling that this person does this to a lot of people not just me.
DevilishAnthony, your description of your mom makes me think immediately of the main character's mother from the book Odd Thomas, who does the same thing. That'd be a nasty situation to be in.
Mostly I'm going to agree with the consensus here. You don't need to be a professional in order to provide the help someone needs, but the more you know the better off you are. If you're being dragged down constantly and you feel it's for attention after experiencing it awhile, by all means get some distance. Each of us only has one life to live, and we aren't receptacles.
I was just going to mention Odd Thomas LOL.